Forums: April 2011 Kickstart Forum: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!)
Created on: 07/15/11 12:11 PM Views: 4236 Replies: 17
mollyhorn Joined: 03/03/10 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 582	Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Friday, July 15, 2011 at 12:11 PM Hello to all who remain, I need some advice for my darling boyfriend, who is the most dear person, but who can't seem to get a handle on his weight or his eating. Actually, maybe I need some advice for ME! He's a former vegetarian, former vegan, but has gone back to his old meat-eating ways – mostly out of laziness and hedonism. He eats out a lot (we both do when we're together), and tends to go overboard and get fried, unhealthy dishes. It's taking a toll on his waistline. I love him just the same, but he's unhappy with himself and wants to do something about it. He's been trying (so endearingly!) to eat salads, usually topped with black beans and some cheese, tortilla strips, olives, ranch dressing (you see where this is going...). Not all salads are created equal. And man cannot live by salad alone! How can I gently & lovingly show him that (1.) his propensity for meat, butter, cheese, and fried things has got to stop if he wants to lose weight, and (2.) a salad isn't really a salad if it's 5 lbs. of junk. He's not a book-reader, so I can't give him one of Barnard's books, and I've tried to get him onto the Kickstart before, to no avail. When I cook for the two of us, he's great – eats the healthy food no problem. It's all those other times when he's left to his own devices that are his downfall. So, gentle readers, any advice? How can this veggie-loving vegan get her meat-eating man to budge a little? Tips, tricks, anecdotes, convincing stories & magic spells are all welcome. Molly Horn
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aleta Joined: 01/07/10 Location: Claremont, CA Posts: 153	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Friday, July 15, 2011 at 1:37 PM I don't know if I can help. I to have been on the vegan/vegetarian path and took wrong turns, detours and bumps in the road. I know that I eat out of stress. And I eat the worst when I'm stressed. There is no reason I know to eat meat,dairy, etc but I do. There are so many things out there that call to us that get us hooked. I know that fats are a biggie! I got off french fries and all that for 3 months one time and I know that I was addicted. It was awful. It is hard. And I think that these things get us when we are at our weakest. For me I say well I will eat this just this time. But you can't go back and forth. You will leave all the good food behind. Now if I knew how to fix this I'd surly tell you. I try and not beat myself up but you can't help that either when you know that all you are eating that is, I'm sorry, CRAP! And you know that it is soooo bad for you. One thing that does help and that's journaling.I don't mean the "write down all you eat" the other soul searching kind. Here again I'm sorry to say, most men would not do that. But it helps to find out the "why" before you can go after the rest. I know that staying connected here and other forums helps. I do try and eat the best vegan/vegetarian breakfast so I get one good meal. Sometimes that sets the tone and I do eat a healthy lunch and or dinner. I feel for you and your man. I know how it is, (I think) and I wish you both the best in finding the way. If I hit on anything I will let you know. Good Luck. Still trying to get back to eating healthy as a Vegan, Aleta aleta email
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theodore Joined: 09/16/10 Posts: 643	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Friday, July 15, 2011 at 3:21 PM Oh, good question Molly. You know, not so long ago I was thinking alot about all those nagging whiny preachy vegans (or as I call them: bozo-de-facto-vegetarians) who end up pushing people away from the very diet that they're trying to promote. And the question that came to mind is, do we try and avoid becoming like one of those people and instead stick to more gentle, intelligent and refined forms of persuasion. Or do we choose the path that I have now chosen whereby one acts exactly like one of those naggy whiny preachy vegans but promoting the standard American / English diet. This way one can push people away from the S.A.D. the same way the whiny vegans push people away from veganism. Am I making any sense ? Molly, just know that I've got the greatest of respect for you, and I'm here for you whatever you decide. Theodore Never make assumptions. You'll end up being an A**, and the UMP will TION you. -- Coach Smiley -- Fresh Prince of Bel Air
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SpongeBobFishpants Joined: 04/03/11 Posts: 86	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Friday, July 15, 2011 at 4:39 PM Hey Molly! I'm sorry for the situation you guys find yourselves in. The truth is I don't think that you're going to be the one to get him over this hurdle. I tried this with my ex-husband back in the day and my hand to God, I think I tried EVERYTHING. He wanted to be healthier and he would eat what I cooked, but if left to his own decision making it was an unqualified disaster. But the fact is, you simply cannot go around your whole life holding his hand and making sure he eats what he knows is best. He will either make the decision to be healthy and do something about it himself or he won't. It is ultimately his decision and his course of action. Maybe the best thing you can say/do is to ask him what he is getting out of eating badly? Because no matter how much he claims he hates what's happening to his body, whatever he is getting out of eating meat/dairy is currently more compelling than his desire to be healthy or he wouldn't keep eating it. I find that sometimes the only thing that can get me past my own destructive issues is to figure out what I am getting from them so that I can short circuit the process. Good Luck and let us know how it goes. And please tell your lovely boyfriend that I am rooting for him.
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Wild4Stars Joined: 12/27/09 Location: Florida Posts: 832	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Friday, July 15, 2011 at 4:40 PM At one point I thought my husband's health was my responsibility. I made sure he ate healthy (at least at home) and I made it my mission to inform him of all the evils of the SAD diet. It was hard work. One day I found out he had eaten lunch at a fried fish place, complete with deep fried fish, french fries, cole slaw, etc. I thought, "Why am I bustin' my butt to make sure he eats healthy when he's going to do that?" SO - I let go. I made sure I was eating healthy, but basically fed him whatever was easy, whatever he wanted. Funny thing happened, he started WANTING to eat healthy. He quit eating disgusting junk for lunch, started taking his lunch. Asked for salad for supper, wanted to share in my vegan breakfasts! He has since gone vegetarian, not totally vegan, but that's how I started so I say it's progress. Vikki ~ Wild4Stars@gmail.com
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mollyhorn Joined: 03/03/10 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 582	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 9:23 AM Aw, thanks guys. I think y'all are right, that I'll have to let him come to any decision of his own accord. Guess I just worry that it might be too late! That his health might be too far gone, etc... but that's projecting, and not a rational thing to do. He gets the same thing out of his poor diet that I get when I stray fro the low-fat vegan path : momentary pleasure, resulting in pain later. I hope that eventually he'll be able to connect the two. Anyhow, I really appreciate all the thoughts, and any more that might pop up! And Theodore, special thanks to you. Molly Horn
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Mariberry Joined: 01/02/10 Posts: 297	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 11:01 AM Hey Molly - just found this in my inbox and thought it appropriate to your circumstance (and a good reminder for all of us!): July 13, 2011 “To care for someone can mean to adore them, feed them, tend their wounds. But care can also signify sorrow, as in 'bowed down by cares.' Or anxiety, as in 'Careful!' Or investment in an outcome, as in 'Who cares?' The word love has no such range of meaning: It's pure acceptance.” — Martha Beck Cheers! Mari All we are saying is "Give Peas a Chance"
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theodore Joined: 09/16/10 Posts: 643	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Saturday, July 16, 2011 at 1:52 PM . Never make assumptions. You'll end up being an A**, and the UMP will TION you. -- Coach Smiley -- Fresh Prince of Bel Air
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kiwi Joined: 01/03/11 Location: New Zealand Posts: 405	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 6:08 PM Hi there, Many wise words have been said and I dont have much to add except something pracical - As you metioned not everyone is into books so does he drive a fair amount? e.g. driving to work and home etc. If so, you could look at an audio book for him to listen to if he was willing. There are also DVDs if he is into watching movies. There is a recent movie around that I cant watch as it has scenes about the treatment of animals and their slaughter. I am already vegan so will not put myself through sleepless nights and nightmaes. However, it might do the trick for a meat eater to realise just where the meat comes from and what the animals go through. Sadly the name has just escaped me but I will think hard about the name of this movie an get back to you. Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food - Hippocrates.
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kiwi Joined: 01/03/11 Location: New Zealand Posts: 405	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 6:08 PM Hi there, Many wise words have been said and I dont have much to add except something pracical - As you mention not everyone is into books so does he drive a fair amount? e.g. driving to work and home etc. If so, you could look at an audio book for him to listen to if he was willing. What about DVDs and movies. There is one around that I saw advertised recently that tells and shows where meat comes from and the (mis)treatment (ot be mild - i call it torture) of animals. I cant watch it as some of the scenes will give me nightmares and keep me up at night. I am already a vegan. May give a meat eater second thoughts or should! Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food - Hippocrates.
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veganer Joined: 01/04/11 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 196	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 10:50 PM I haven't checked this forum for a while because I have been so busy..just saw this tonight...just trying to help so forgive me if this won't work....its just an idea... 1)when you get together, don't eat out for a while. Maybe work together in the kitchen or prepare food ahead of time and meet for a picnic at a local park, at a pond, or anywhere beautiful. It helped me during the kickstart to make a pact with myself for just that time(3 weeks) not to eat out so that it got me out of the addiction to the fat and sugar of restaurants, fast food, and convenience stores. 2)I also made a rule for myself during those 3 weeks to never leave the house without vegan snacks or food. So I never had the excuse that I was hungry and had to eat out. so maybe with 2 rules(without the kickstart but with some of the ideas behind it), it will help you get over the hump? Best of luck Molly
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kiwi Joined: 01/03/11 Location: New Zealand Posts: 405	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Sunday, July 17, 2011 at 11:51 PM veganer wrote: 1)when you get together, don't eat out for a while. I was just reading this daily quote from the food reference web site. Quite fitting for the problems of eating out .... “The highway is replete with culinary land mines disguised as quaint local restaurants that carry such reassuring names as Millie's, Pop's and Capt'n Dick's.” Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic) http://www.foodreference.com/ Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food - Hippocrates.
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2072	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Monday, July 18, 2011 at 8:42 AM kiwi wrote: veganer wrote: 1)when you get together, don't eat out for a while. I was just reading this daily quote from the food reference web site. Quite fitting for the problems of eating out .... “The highway is replete with culinary land mines disguised as quaint local restaurants that carry such reassuring names as Millie's, Pop's and Capt'n Dick's.” Bryan Miller (NY Times Restaurant Critic) http://www.foodreference.com/ On the other hand, it's often easier to modify, mix n match, and otherwise 'adjust' items at those 'quaint local restaurants' than at the big chain places. We've had way more 'success' finding veg*n options (or at cobbling together such options) at local diners than at the big chains. --Deb R
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mollyhorn Joined: 03/03/10 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 582	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Monday, July 18, 2011 at 1:14 PM I think you're both right. I have better luck at mom-and-pop places being able to make a meal of side items, but the meals are usually laden with butter, oil and other unhealthy things. I like the suggestion to just not eat out for a while. This is good advice. When I cook at home, it's always healthy, low- or no-fat, generally sugar-free, and nutritious. And fun! It's just... I guess we all get into the idea that going out is somehow fun or special – even though it's damaging to our health and wellbeing in the process... Molly Horn
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2072	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Monday, July 18, 2011 at 1:21 PM mollyhorn wrote: I think you're both right. I have better luck at mom-and-pop places being able to make a meal of side items, but the meals are usually laden with butter, oil and other unhealthy things. I like the suggestion to just not eat out for a while. This is good advice. When I cook at home, it's always healthy, low- or no-fat, generally sugar-free, and nutritious. And fun! It's just... I guess we all get into the idea that going out is somehow fun or special – even though it's damaging to our health and wellbeing in the process... Actually, after starting with kickstarts Sept 2010, we've come around to finding most (though not all) restaurants less than fun because it doesn't taste or feel as good - not to mention we can make comparable dishes for less $$ at home. Places that can provide us with lower fat, veggie-licious dishes are the ones that get return visits (even if they're not veg*n specifically). Often, a dinner out will spark some "hey, we can make this at home!" ideas and off we go, replicating (with modifications) the things we've had. When we can get "the same thing" at home cheaper, going out loses its allure. It's the things we can't make ourselves that we want when we go out. And, over time, those things are becoming fewer and fewer because we either can make them ourselves or we lose interest in that particular item. For instance, hubby had a slice of not-homemade chocolate cake and said "this doesn't taste like chocolate". Then, when I made a batch of vegan cupcakes for an event, he said "That tastes like chocolate!" - these were special event things, not something for us to be eating lots of so they had fat and sugar (and home ground whole wheat flour) - the fat was vegetable oil in the cupcake and non-hydrogenated vegetable shortening in the frosting and demerara sugar in the cupcake and powdered sugar in the frosting. I made them in mini cupcake cups so that each one had just a teeny bit of fat and sugar so that eating just one wasn't awful (and we shared away the rest). --Deb R
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cch22 Joined: 09/08/10 Location: New York State Posts: 1000	RE: Advice for frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 2:35 PM I guess first and foremost you need to ask him if he wants to eat a plant based diet. If he says no well just celebrate the days he does with you. If he says yes.. i think you have to find out what inspires him. Is it his health? Is it the factory farming? Is it you? Is it good tasting food? Does he need the introductory foods (meat crumbles, dayia cheese, gimme lean etc)? It's better than S.A.D. Can you find one food that would always be in the frige for him? Frozen bean/veggie pattie does it here. You can't sell a haircut to a bald man. If it is you then you need to be his rock and get him past the fast food places. For my hubby.. all he needed was the 15 min movie of meet your meat. He is now MY rock. All he needs to say is nope i am not eating that when i waver. For us as soon as we get a full belly the need for the junk (sad) food goes away. It is ok to like it (donuts), even sometimes miss it (pizza w/real cheese). It's totally different to eat it. Heck i didn't hardly eat donuts b4 vegan. The full belly is important. So maybe snack bars in the car till he can get home? We use them for times we are out later than expected. Another thing that helped honey, he thought he was deprived.. so i keep chocolate around.. and that put an end to that. He needs vegan sweets. Also.. he thought maybe vegan was weird.. how many people would really eat that way? I took him to a vegan resturant.(to try different food) While we ate.. we watched all the people coming and going.. He was amazed the business this place did. A real turning point for us was when I had to work late and he had to cook for us. Now he uses leftovers to cook burritos, or uses frozen bean patties and oven french fries, or gimme lean.. He has learned to cook for himself and us. he is fully capable and even likes to cook.. he was always the guy who threw something together.. no recipe so he finds this very easy. My hubby has some input in the menu plan,the shopping and how things taste. We talk about the taste & texture & spices. That way i can make things he REALLY likes.. after that.. hey it's just food. If you have other vegan friends.. how about haveing a pot luck once a month.. or doing a cooking class at your library or church? Get him around other vegans.. Get together and show forks over knives..everyone brings a dish to share.. So first.. find out if he wants it.. then find what inspires him...
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HrynkoN Joined: 01/02/10 Posts: 1	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Wednesday, July 20, 2011 at 6:33 AM Molly, Check out The Engine 2 Diet book by Rip Esselstyn. It's geared more toward men (not that as a woman I did not love the book). Rip describes how he got a bunch of rough Texan firemen to turn vegan.... it's very "manly" Natalie
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mollyhorn Joined: 03/03/10 Location: Fort Worth, TX Posts: 582	RE: Advice for my frustrated boyfriend (& me!) Posted Sunday, July 24, 2011 at 8:26 PM I want to thank all of you who offered tips, commiseration, thoughts and ideas. All of them are genuinely appreciated, and I'll come back to this page again and again when I need some inspiration. Thank you, everyone. Molly Horn
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