Forums: September 2011 Kickstart Forum: Meat eating Spouses
Created on: 09/02/11 07:38 AM Views: 4258 Replies: 25
forestgreen Joined: 02/26/10 Posts: 6	Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 7:38 AM My biggest obstacle is trying to make this work with my marriage. We have been married for 30 some years. We share cooking equally. If he makes a meat dish, and I don't eat it, he feels insulted. If I make a Vegan Dish only, with no meat, he gets upset. If I make a Vegan Dish, and a seperate Meat Dish, I just don't have the time and patience for all of that.
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2069	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 8:00 AM forestgreen wrote: My biggest obstacle is trying to make this work with my marriage. We have been married for 30 some years. We share cooking equally. If he makes a meat dish, and I don't eat it, he feels insulted. If I make a Vegan Dish only, with no meat, he gets upset. If I make a Vegan Dish, and a seperate Meat Dish, I just don't have the time and patience for all of that. Make mix'n'match dishes! For example, make pasta with marinara and meatballs. He can have meatballs with his, you can skip it - as if you were at a restaurant. And, you're not making a 'separate' dinner - you're just making a meal that has multiple components. Likewise, tex-mex is all about the components - tortillas, guacamole, rice, beans, tomatoes, lettuce, salsa, cheese, sour cream, meat of whatever sort, etc. Put it all on the table and assemble it as each person likes. Still only one meal to prepare. And, too, there are lots of ways to arrange things so that you both get what you want without a lot of extra work. Bake several chicken breasts (for example) at the same time (since it really takes no extra time to bake 4 as it does to bake 1). Put one on his plate, three in the fridge. Then make some quinoa chickpea pilaf and braised kale (with garlic and onion mmmmmmm!) The pilaf and greens is a great vegan meal and they make excellent 'sides' for the chicken. KWIM? On the other hand, it's probably also a time to sit down and discuss the situation - does he understand what you're doing and why? You're trying to improve your own health and you'd like his help with it (and if there are specific health reasons, include that - for instance, I'm trying to keep my type 2 diabetes under control and lose weight, hubby is trying to keep his blood pressure and cholesterol in check and lose weight). It's not about HIM. I'm guessing that after 30 years (congrats on that!) he really wants you to be around for 30 more - and that's exactly what you're trying to do, be healthy so you will be around for the next 30 with him. You're not trying to change HIM, you're not REJECTING him, you're helping your own self. You indicate that you share the cooking - could he feel over his head trying to cook things he's never heard of or seen, kind of out of control? That can raise defenses really quickly. Plus, the kickstart is for 3 weeks. Ask him to help you for just these 3 weeks. After that, you can discuss where you want to go from there. --Deb R
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gryphonpro Joined: 01/30/11 Location: Cape Breton, NS, Canada Posts: 239	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 8:57 AM Those were really insightful ideas from bugsmom. I'll try to add to that. The fact that he gets hurt if you don't eat his meat meals, but gets upset with your vegan meals, is a little telling, but meeting contradictions like that head-on is seldom successful. So long as he is resisting, your best hope is to relax. If you really want to do this for yourself, you may have to take the long view. Once you learn to prepare your food, especially what can be frozen and what should be fresh, you will find that the extra work decreases. And by then he will have seen such a change in you, he may join you willingly. If you compromise you will not be able to show him the big change which will take place in you, so stick with it! We will help as much as we can, even if it is only being there while you vent. I am a new vegan, but a vegetarian of several decades. I have never had a close relationship with a person who did not gradually discover how delicious my food was. On the lighter side, there is a youtube video of Dr. Neal Bernard in which he tells the funny story of how his mom became vegan, with intent, and how his dad is vegan without even realizing it! His dad doesn't cook, so your case will be different, but the story is cute, and might make you smile. That too will help. The story is somewhere in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VWi6dXCT7I It is a bit long, but you don't have to watch it... just put it on while you are puttering with something else and pretend it is radio - madeline madeline yakimchuk Director: MEET IRENE - An Unlikely Vegan GRYPHON media productions www
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vegangirl65 Joined: 08/31/11 Posts: 110	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 9:09 AM I am living in a meat eating household. I have been married for 18 years. I do the cooking in the family so basically they eat what I cook. I have had to cook separate meals but have done so for years. I actually don't mind it because most of the things I cook for myself are one pot things for the week. I do make things like fajitas and put out everything and everyone makes their own (I also have 2 teens, one meat eater, one not as big into meat, but does eat it.). The pasta idea was good too. Since you both cook, a sit down and talking about it would probably be a big help. I'm working on getting my kids to eat more lentil/bean dishes. I do make them try stuff and they do but not always go for more. It's a process. Good luck.. Kathy
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2069	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 9:10 AM gryphonpro wrote: The fact that he gets hurt if you don't eat his meat meals, - madeline This popped another thought into my head: maybe he's plain scared. For many (and this has been discussed on previous kickstart forums), "Vegan" has all sorts of connotations and baggage. It can be scary. My hubby, who cooks wonderful vegan meals and LOVES to prepare meals for non-vegans and when they go for seconds (or thirds) springs it on them "So, it looks like you enjoyed the vegan lasagna." will NOT identify himself as a vegan because of all that baggage. He says he "prefers a plant based way of eating" - what he eats is the same, but it defuses a lot of the baggage, people ask interested questions rather than reacting to their perception of what 'vegan' means. What would it feel like to you if your dearie, out of the blue, decided that he was going to only listen to Gregorian chants, when for 30 years you've shared a love of bluegrass music, and whenever it was his 'turn' to pick the music, you'd be listening to chants? Sure, music is a pretty simple example, but it would likely cause you to wonder, question, maybe even be a little nervous "when where who how did he change like this? what other things might he be changing and how will that affect me and our relationship?" --Deb R
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cch22 Joined: 09/08/10 Location: New York State Posts: 1000	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 11:52 AM dup.
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cch22 Joined: 09/08/10 Location: New York State Posts: 1000	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 11:53 AM We have been eating a plant strong diet for about a year now. I remember last Aug, right after getting married, I informed my new husband-who loved my cooking- that i was going to try this 21 day vegan kickstart thing. I wasn't sure it was going to work, but i had always wanted to try a vegetarian diet and wanted to give this a go. Well the first thing he did is pitch a fit. He said he couldn't believe i would do that and no matter what he was going to keep eating meat. I just said Ok, that's fine. I am going to eat beans, rice & veggies so i will just make you a burger on the side... whatever... So in couple of days, he came back to me and said "I'll tell you what, I eat breakfast & lunch by myself, so I will eat whatever i want those two meals. For dinner I will eat whatever you are having. After all it's just food." That seemed to work for us. Very soon his lunches became left over dinner and his breakfast is vegan anyway (cereal w/almond milk or toast & peanutbutter) Then we had to get past the man is supposed to eat meat, we need meat. Then we watched Meet your Meat. I had him do all his own research so he came to his own conculsions. My thought was to try this vegan thing for 21 days and then make a decision. Finally his thought was to try the vegan thing for 3 months between checkups. If the numbers supported it, then he would continue. If the numbers weren't better then by gosh he would eat meat. The numbers are off the charts. His doctors are amazed. Frankly i am amazed that his docs are amazed. duh. He had some kidney & prostate beginning problems. Both are sooooo much better. Kidney numbers went from beginning bad to normal and healthy. Prostate .. well he is off the meds now for over a month and everything is working like he is 13 again. Choresterol was never a problem, but now it's even better. I hope you find something that works for your family. When we have friends over we do a couple of whole wheat crust pizzas. Also one vegan meal a day doesn't make you a vegan.
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aleta Joined: 01/07/10 Location: Claremont, CA Posts: 153	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 1:06 PM After a few years of our family going back and forth about meat vs veggie, we have hit our rhythm. My daughter and I cook veggie and then have meat that my hubby can add. The nights this week were great. We did veggie kabobs.And my hubby added chicken ( already cooked and stored in frig). Then we did a stir fry and some brown rice...again he added his chicken. We also did veggie burgers/portobello burgers and did Turkey burgers on the same grill for hubby. It works out but you need to plan ahead. As far as someone, anyone getting upset or hurt that you don't eat what they do...that is not fair to you. You want to eat a different way. For whatever your reasons. And that should not be judged. The people that judge you or try and get you to change to make them feel better are, I'm sorry... being very selfish. If you can't talk to your husband about this and way it is important to you and your health try easing it in to a talk about love and respect. Good luck. My heat goes out to you. <3 aleta email
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Wild4Stars Joined: 12/27/09 Location: Florida Posts: 832	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 1:56 PM I do all the cooking and my hubby, love his easy going soul, eats what I cook. I use more fake meats than I would if I weren't cooking for him. He loves Gardein Chickun Scallopini and it's versatile enough I can do many different things with it. He eats some meat away from home, but frequently tells people that he's vegetarian at home. If he were to do the cooking I feel certain he would respect the fact that I don't eat meat, dairy, eggs and would cook accordingly. He may or may not cook meat for himself, but I KNOW he would not expect me to eat it. He brags to other people about how healthy I eat. I am committed to eating vegan and I'm not going to let someone shame me into eating something I don't want to eat. Would he be insulted if you were diabetic but wouldn't eat a cake he baked? In my mind it is the same thing. It's my health, my body and my choice what fuel I put into it. Maybe try some of the fake meats. If you haven't tried them recently they are MUCH better than they use to be. They're not ideal, but they are better than the real thing! Vikki ~ Wild4Stars@gmail.com
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forestgreen Joined: 02/26/10 Posts: 6	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 1:57 PM DUP
	Edited 09/02/11 2:03 PM Quote | Send PM | Link | Top | Bottom
forestgreen Joined: 02/26/10 Posts: 6	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 1:57 PM DUP
	Edited 09/02/11 2:03 PM Quote | Send PM | Link | Top | Bottom
forestgreen Joined: 02/26/10 Posts: 6	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 1:57 PM Wow! Thanks for all the great responses.... We did talk this morning, and we came to some agreements - so we'll see how it goes...
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2069	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Friday, September 2, 2011 at 3:27 PM forestgreen wrote: Wow! Thanks for all the great responses.... We did talk this morning, and we came to some agreements - so we'll see how it goes... And, it's not a one-time fixes all type thing. There will be tweaks and changes and stops and starts along the way until you each hit your respective strides with this. For example, at home I stick to vegan (with occasional lapses of judgment :wink, hubby is close to vegan vegetarian, and our son is an omnivore with strong vegan tendencies. When we eat elsewhere, I still try not to stray too far (though sometimes eating to keep my blood sugar level from bottoming out has priority over staying strictly vegan) and hubby and son generally stay vegetarian, but occasionally will have other stuff (although, since the first kickstart we did last fall, they more often don't get past vegetarian). Actually, funny-ish story this week: hubby and son went out to lunch on Monday (no power or water at home due to Irene). They went to Subway because they know the menu and can easily choose what they want to have. Son *always* gets a double cheese veggie sub (two types of cheese plus veggies). The person making the sandwich puts the cheese on and then goes right for 'what dressing?' completely skipping the veggies! Hubby caught the situation and son got his veggies. They thought it was funny that the person just saw a "kid" and assumed he didn't like veggies. HA! I've got a 13 yr old who grins and does happy dancing when we're having braised kale and quinoa pilaf! --Deb R
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dixie Joined: 09/04/11 Posts: 4	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Monday, September 5, 2011 at 12:52 AM Hubby is a meat eater, though he cheers me on and really believes that this is the best path - just don't ask him to give up his meat and potatoes In the past I used to ask for his support and I even challenged him to join me in the Kickstart. He agreed to eat whatever I fixed him for dinner but he makes his own breakfast - eggs, etc, unless he wants to have oatmeal with me. It really used to bother me to see him eat ice cream when I was trying to lose weight, but on this program I am so satisfied with the meals that I can look at the ice cream and not even want it! I just decided to leave him alone with his food issues while I worked on my own. Now he doesn't feel pressured to join me and more often than not he eats whatever I am offering.
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mommyof2nc Joined: 12/31/09 Location: North Carolina Posts: 172	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Monday, September 5, 2011 at 11:17 AM My husband is a meat eater as well. I either just make what I'm going to eat and cook meat to add on the side or he will eat what I'm going to eat. Early on, my husband was really resistant to the vegan diet, but now, he likes a lot of what I eat, so oftentimes, he'll just eat what I eat. (Either that or he just doesn't feel like cooking meat to eat as well. :lol
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deborahjm Joined: 09/06/11 Posts: 162	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Tuesday, September 6, 2011 at 10:53 PM I'm envious of anyone whose spouse or other family members will eat the vegan recipes. My son (25) is following the 21 day quickstart with me. My daughter will eat some of the food but doesn't want to give up meat. My husband won't even try any of the vegan food. I am cooking 2 separate meals, which is more cooking than I'd like to be doing.
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carrottop Joined: 09/21/10 Posts: 36	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Wednesday, September 7, 2011 at 10:54 AM This truly will be a process, not something that happens overnight. Over the past seven years, my partner and I have negotiated this point many times. We were both long-time vegetarians when we met, then she began eating meat about 3 years in to the relationship. I followed suit for about three months, then stopped - I just never felt comfortable chomping on a hamburger or cutting into a steak. I started eating vegan in late 2009, but never pressured her to change her habits. I was doing most of the cooking at the time and spending hours preparing yummy vegan dishes while she was finishing up grad school, so she began eating vegan by default. I lost 20 lbs., and after grad school she also became vegan. I've stuck with it since 2009, but she's gone back and forth quite a few times between eating meat and being veg*n. Partly for her, I think it's convenience. When I get burned out on doing all the cooking, which happens every few months, she'll start out full of determination to cook vegan, then will gradually start adding chicken to her dishes, while setting aside some veg only portions for me. Once I start cooking again, she'll go back to being vegan.
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deborahjm Joined: 09/06/11 Posts: 162	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Wednesday, September 7, 2011 at 2:26 PM That sounds like a pretty good arrangement with the cooking even if it has happened because of convenience and not food choices.
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Bugsmom Joined: 09/13/10 Posts: 2069	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Wednesday, September 7, 2011 at 2:44 PM deborahjm wrote: I'm envious of anyone whose spouse or other family members will eat the vegan recipes. My son (25) is following the 21 day quickstart with me. My daughter will eat some of the food but doesn't want to give up meat. My husband won't even try any of the vegan food. I am cooking 2 separate meals, which is more cooking than I'd like to be doing. Teehee he has probably eaten vegan meals and doesn't even know it! Pasta marinara is vegan by definition (bolognese is meat sauce, marinara is just tomato and herb). Add parmesan and it's still vegetarian at least. That might be a place where he'd be willing to meet you and the kids - "vegan" might be too scary but a few Italian or Tex mex meals each week maybe? Pasta marinara (he can add parm if he chooses), bean burritos (he can add leftover cooked chicken or ground meat). If you can cook several chicken breasts and some ground meat once a week, you can more easily make just one meal for everyone. Make a quinoa chickpea pilaf, some braised greens, and he can reheat a chicken breast - you and the kids have pilaf and greens as your meal, he has them as a side dish - after all, every meal needs 'side dishes', right? That way, he's still eating meat as his centerpiece but you aren't making totally different meals every night. If mac'n'cheese is an okay family dinner, use the not-cheese sauce for it - if he looks for the 'blue box' tell him you made it yourself from scratch - who doesn't love made from scratch mac'n'cheese? One of our favs even pre-veg was to add frozen veggies of some sort (peas, broccoli, etc) and a can of tuna to the mac and cheese one pot casserole style. Now, instead of tuna we just add cooked chickpeas (slightly crushed/mashed) and get the same result in texture and protein, without the extra salt and stuff from tuna. --Deb R
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deborahjm Joined: 09/06/11 Posts: 162	RE: Meat eating Spouses Posted Wednesday, September 7, 2011 at 8:30 PM Good suggestions. I will probably cook chicken breasts to reheat, and if he grills, a blackbean burger or some other veggie burger for us will work. However, chickpeas, quinoa, tuna casserole, couscous and many veggies are a definite no-no. Tonight I cooked the veggie stir fry with Quorn chick'n breasts for two of us. Made chicken alfredo for the other two. Brown rice and most veggies in a bag of frozen stir fry vegs. are out.
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