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| Forums: September 2011 Kickstart Forum: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! | |||
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| marlenepoet
Joined: 09/08/11 Posts: 10 |
Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 1:40 PM She's 29 & very opinionated. She weighs around 400 lbs and has been on and off Weight Watchers for 10 years now. Unfortunately, WW is good at teaching portion control, but does not teach a truly healthful diet. You can get your points from low-fat brownies & baked potato chips...which is dd's idea of dieting. She will not listen! <brief pause to bang my head against wall> Now she believes she's tried everything else and surgery is her only option left. It doesn't help at all that our local health organization literally pushes this surgery on everyone it can and that our system is so messed up that our tax dollars will pay for my dd on public aid to have an unproven, dangerous procedure. All the signals she's getting are saying go, and I'm the only one saying stop...but I'm just her mother! Anyone have any facts, statistics, ideas...I can't stand the thought of her ripping her body apart for something that may have no benefit...help? |
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gryphonpro
 Location: Cape Breton, NS, Canada Posts: 239 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 1:59 PM It is very difficult to talk anyone into doing something they don't want to do, much less a daughter! What about making a deal, but you have to be willing to take a chance. What if you find the absolute best movie on the subject, something like Forks Over Knives, and tell her that you will support her no matter what she does, if she will watch this movie twice, once with you and once alone, and wait two weeks before deciding. If she goes for it, and you lose, well, you will have to stick by your word. You really have little choice. - madeline madeline yakimchuk
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| donnamae
Joined: 09/01/11 Posts: 35 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 2:27 PM Sorry I have to jump in here. I actually had weight loss surgery 6 years ago. It has been the very best thing I have ever done in my life. I lost 160 pounds, have had no problem in keeping it off, no problem with health issues, and basically no complaints. It totally changed my whole life, giving me more energy to work out, and allowing me to be more active with my grandchildren. I understand your concern, but please look into all the information on this surgery before you totally make up your mind. I have never, and never will, tell anyone this is the only way to go. But on the other hand, I would encourage people to be more open minded about it. It is not a magic bullet as people might sometimes think. You still have to make it work yourself. There are many forms of wls, and some are not as invasive as others. But as I said, please read the literature, and perhaps if your daughter is serious about it, you could go with her to an introduction seminar that the doctors usually have to tell the would be patient what to expect as far as the surgery and recovery. Good luck to you, and good luck to her. As someone who weighed 300 pounds, I can tell you that it is hard for people who don't have a weight problem of that magnitude to realize all the boundaries you encounter. Not just the physical one, but the emotional ones as well. I wish you both good luck on this decision. |
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| SpongeBobFishpants
Joined: 04/03/11 Posts: 86 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 2:53 PM marlene... I totally understand your dilemma and I wish I had a magic answer for you but sadly I do not. I can however give you MY experience which is the same as your daughters in many respects. I was 411 lbs when I decided in my 30's to have bariatric surgery. I had simply reached the end of my mental, physical and emotional rope. One particular wall you are running up against, and it's one that unless you are morbidly obese you will likely not be able to get around is the daily physical experience of being that large. Your daughter is living a life you can sympathize with but not really experience in it's fullness: It's a life that cannot be imagined unless it is lived. It's humiliating and it hurts. Your daughter has a condition that is killing her now, not in a few years, but now. I was reading somewhere recently that the occurrence of stokes in patients between the ages of 15 and 44 has risen dramatically due to obesity related diseases. Yes, this surgery can be dangerous but living like this is equally as dangerous physically AND mentally. If she decides to have the surgery you can still talk to her about changing to a plant-based diet. She CAN do both and it may well save her life. The surgery might give her the confidence and the boost she needs right now to REALLY change to a healthier life. It did for me. If your daughter does this, support her, no matter what your choice would be and then use every opportunity to show her, not tell her, how to change her life. She has had enough of being "told" I'm guessing. One of the unique problems of being morbidly obese is that EVERYONE feels they have a license to tell you what you're doing wrong and what you SHOULD do. Eventually, you stop listening, no matter who is doing the talking. As an aside, I live in Seattle, a pretty large city. As far as I am aware I am the only person at our largest hospital to have had bariatric surgery and who follows a vegan diet. When I have follow up appointments, diet and medical students are often brought in to talk to me about my diet and my experience because they have no other source of information. It simply hasn't been seen up to this point. And much to the never ending surprise of the nurses and dieticians, my numbers are amazing. Blood pressure, blood sugar, cholesterol ratio, CBC and chem panels, all better than they "should" be. I hope this helps even if it doesn't tell you how to stop her. I know you love her and so does she. Just let her know you have faith in her and that you admire how brave she is and how strong she has been for not giving up on life entirely. |
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| carrottop
Joined: 09/21/10 Posts: 36 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 2:55 PM It's so hard for a mother watch a child make a decision you think might be harmful... that's never fun. Now.. having said that, I have a friend who did have wls and today she has a completely different outlook on life. |
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| carrottop
Joined: 09/21/10 Posts: 36 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 2:55 PM It's so hard for a mother watch a child make a decision you think might be harmful... that's never fun. Now.. having said that, I have a friend who did have wls and today she has a completely different outlook on life. |
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| marlenepoet
Joined: 09/08/11 Posts: 10 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 3:23 PM I seem to have left out the tiny detail that I weighed 330 lbs. at my heaviest & am certainly well acquainted with all the difficulties that go with being "plus" sized. Since going vegan a little over 2 months ago, I've dropped 30 lbs almost effortlessly. Which is why I strongly feel she HASN'T tried "everything". Plus, I'll admit it: I'm terrified of surgery. No surgery is risk-free & obesity just increases the risks. And, I've seen friends of mine get this surgery & gain weight back. She's had the opposite experience: friends who did great on it. I wonder if there's a correlation between the type of w/l surgery & the recidivism rate. Clearly, I have a lot to think about. I didn't want to impugn any one else's decision; I just can't support what I feel is a hasty, emotional decision. |
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| Dobby
Joined: 09/04/10 Posts: 113 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 3:29 PM Wow, very thoughtful interesting comments! She is an adult and although I understand your concerns, she needs to make this decision on her own. My recommendation (retired...yea!!...hospital social worker here)is that if she asks for your input, you can give it and then don't talk anymore. Don't reiterate or restate. You also don't have to listen if she is still wanting to discuss pros and cons...you gave your thoughts and you can tell her you just can't listen to that discussion anymore. Otherwise, the best course may be for you to back off. If she is asking you for post-op help/care I would be up front and let her know if you are going to be available or not. She will have to come to her own decision regarding a way of eating post-op as well. In rereading this, I think it may sound harsh and it is not meant to be, but you cannot change another person's behavior you can only change your own reaction to their behavior. Pam |
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| Dobby
Joined: 09/04/10 Posts: 113 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 3:40 PM So, you posted while I was thinking! The hospital where I worked had many employees who had various weight loss surgeries. The most popular were the lap bands, some done in the US, some done by a US surgeon in Mexico. There were also some people who had older surgeries of gastric bypass and other forms of weight loss surgeries. The hospital itself did not perform weight loss surgery. I did not see many people who had success with the lap-band especially those who went to the surgeon in Mexico then did not return to them to have the band filled. I also noted these people were successful to begin with then started sliding on their food intake and returned to prior ways of eating. From the people I was familiar with who did not do well, I saw that they did not work the program fully, so I think results vary based on how strictly people follow their post operative plan. Pam |
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| veganer
Joined: 01/04/11 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 196 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 3:44 PM Tell her its her decision. Tell her you care very much about her and are very concerned about complications. Tell her that even if she has the surgery, she still has to watch her diet and exercise afterwards to keep the weight off or she will come right back to where she started so why not skip the surgery and just go straight to the diet and exercise? You have the right to express your love for her and your concerns even if she makes another decision in the end. |
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vegankitty
 Location: Denver, Colorado Posts: 109 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 4:01 PM Hi there, It is easy to be mankind, |
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| Dobby
Joined: 09/04/10 Posts: 113 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 4:33 PM vegankitty wrote: Hi there, I am no way qualified to say whether WLS is bad/good for you but just the thought of knives on me scares me to death! Have you looked into Dr. Fuhrman? If you look at the success stories, you'll find so many inspiring stories of people who have successfully lost weight (oodles of them) and kept it off. Even on youtube, there is a video of one of his patients and the story is so touching! I would highly encourage you to look into this before taking such a drastic step. Nonetheless Good Luck to your daughter and yourself! Stay happy and healthy! ...but it's her daughter who wants the surgery, not the poster. I think the poster is convinced a vegan way of eating is the best route to health and a better weight. Pam |
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| vegankitty
Location: Denver, Colorado Posts: 109 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 5:07 PM Sorry, I meant look for her daughter! I think those motivational stories might help, hence I thought of posting about him. Cheers It is easy to be mankind, |
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| vegankitty
Location: Denver, Colorado Posts: 109 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 5:09 PM Sorry, I meant look for her daughter! I think those motivational stories might help, hence I thought of posting about him. Cheers It is easy to be mankind, |
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| SpongeBobFishpants
Joined: 04/03/11 Posts: 86 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 5:15 PM Hi Marlene Not to worry, I for one don't feel you were calling my personal choice into question. I understand your fear about the surgery. Before I had mine the one and only person I ever knew who had the surgery died on the table. I felt there was a good chance I would die on the table. I was terrified. I guess my concern for you and your daughter revolves around how she might interpret some of what you are saying to her. We all know that what we mean to say and how others hear what we say are sometimes vastly different. When you use phrases like "She won't listen!", "I've dropped 30 lbs almost effortlessly. Which is why I strongly feel she HASN'T tried 'everything'.","I just can't support what I feel is a hasty, emotional decision." what she may be hearing is, "My way is the right way and if you choose differently then your choices are clearly hasty and emotional and therefore flawed. If *I* can do it so easily then so can you." Granted, that may not be what you mean but if that's what she hears then I don't imagine she is going to listen. The important question is not whether you can support her choice but whether you can support her no matter what her choice is? |
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| tinabean
Joined: 09/08/10 Location: Pasadena, TX Posts: 113 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 5:27 PM My mom, my aunt and my uncle have all had gastric bypass or bariatric. I'm not really sure what the difference is, I just know none of them were lap bands. My mom and my uncle both had it due to stomach acid/ulcer issues and not actually for weight loss. My aunt did have it for weight loss. I think my mom was the only one who had complications. She has stomach pains all the time and the doctor said she might have them the rest of her life. She can't eat fiber or digest vitamins. I don't know how she's getting any actual nutrition beyond fat and protein. She was overweight and now she's skinny and wrinkly. A lot of other overweight people say to me, "Wow you're mother's looking really good these days!" And I always wonder what planet they are on. Perhaps they close off a different part of the stomach for acid problems then they due for weight loss and the probability of that side effect might be much lower for weight loss surgery. It is something I would definitely ask the doctor about, because I wouldn't want that kind of recurring pain for the rest of my life. The other thing is the weight lost includes muscle mass so if you don't put that muscle back on through weight training then you end up with a lower metabolism. |
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| jonay01
Joined: 09/07/11 Posts: 19 |
RE: Help me talk my dd out of wl surgery! Posted Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 6:48 PM Marlene: |
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toward a healthy life and an understanding of how nutrition and diet can create positive change in her life, it might be something to consider supporting - as difficult as that may be. If there's a vegetarian cooking class or seminar that she could attend (or you could both attend together), it might open her eyes to a new way of living and eating. | New Topic Reply Subscription Options |
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